Happiness: My A-Ha Moment

In the early months of 2004, I was young, married and in my third year of college. I found myself spiraling into a dark place of depression and self-pity, blaming everyone else for my unhappiness. I avoided phone calls from my husband who was out of town on a business trip, as well as, from my mother who lived 600 miles away. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t like anyone. I was angry, sad, lonely and felt like no one cared. It was scary, I hadn’t known these feelings before. My mother, sensing something was off, decided to come for a visit. During her visit she directly asked me what was wrong. I told her I wasn’t happy. “Why” she asked. I told her that I wasn’t happy, I wasn't happy in my marriage and I didn’t feel fulfilled in my life. She said something then that at the time incensed me. “Happiness is a choice; you have to choose to be happy” she said. ‘How dare she say this, how dare she put this on me’ I thought.

It wasn’t until five years later that it finally made sense to me. My unhappiness had turned into resentment and animosity. I recalled the conversation from five years prior and realized that my mother was right, it was my a-ha moment. Being happy and in joy was already a part of me, I just had to choose to be in it. Happiness is not a place and is not derived from material possessions or provided by a person. Yet I was relying on someone or something else to bring happiness to my life. At that point in my life I had to make a decision to be happy. It was not easy and there were moments in the beginning of my new journey that were anything but joyful. During those moments I had to choose again and choose to be happy no matter how difficult the moment or situation may have been. While in theory it is easy to say happiness is a choice, it is hard work and it is a daily practice. However, once you get in the habit of choosing happiness over sadness it gets much easier than being in the mindset of suffering, because to suffer is to tolerate.

I am still routinely faced with situations that block my desire for happiness. In these moments I look back over the past 10+ years and recognize how far I have come. It feels much better to choose happiness today that it did to feel such ‘pain’ as I did then, even when faced with uncomfortable and challenging circumstances.